Judgement

I have locked myself away in the closet
behind coats and dresses and pants far too big now.
You’re always asking me to agree and insisting that you know best
“but wouldn’t you be better if you just did this?”

No, i will not get better without crazy pills.
I will not feel better by spending my parents’ money
or by getting health insurance.
We were all raised differently and you have to understand 
that your way is not the only right way.

Listen: We are all tired and we are all crazy.
Ignorance is blackness in the clock that ticks for eternity.
and I will fade away sooner rather than later while I try subtly to escape your wrath.
Listen: We are all hurting, and we are all crying
Your judgement isn’t appreciated and you’ve banged the gavel a thousand times too many.

And my ears are bleeding,
from your rants and my screams.
My life  has become nothing but rolled eyes and swallowed pride next  to you. 
When you speak I hear nothing,  no forgiveness, no love, no beauty. 
Only “you’re worthless, you’re worthless”
and the sound of emptying souls. 

so there is this boy who is not cute and not anything and i kind of find myself wanting to talk to him all the time and i wanna be with him and kiss him and hug him but he’s not cute and i don’t understand. omg , is this happening???? am i falling for a personality?? 

Whoever said “you can’t choose who you love” may have been right, but you sure as hell can choose who you don’t love. So stop feeling sorry for yourself. Missing someone isn’t worth the time or the energy. I found that out when I let a year of my life slip right by.

Old friends

Lately I have been missing you dearly. 
There was no dramatic ending, no final argument.
We both simply drifted into the people we wanted to be,
or into the people we thought we wanted to be.
I have nothing but the loveliest memories of you
holding them close and near to my soul as I miss your smile 
and your laugh. 
We share nothing but a past full of laughs and love. 
Its a shame that I let all of this happen. 

Trouble

The trouble is,
I can’t seem to find any one to talk to. 
No therapist, no friend, no lover to understand
what it is like in my lonely head. 

Life without god has never been easy
doomed to conclusions based off of nihilism and nothing.
I’ve lost what I never had
and no one believes in the sad girls anymore

The trouble is,  I feel insincere in everything I do and say. 
Remind me that emotions aren’t real and neither is this
there isn’t a need for lying or crying,
drinking or driving. 

There isn’t a difference between love and hate when it gets down to it.
I feel the same for everyone I meet.
and living a life without him seemed so easy until I had to breathe it. 
But I think the real trouble is
that sleep is so rare and crying is so common 
well forget empathy and fall into cynicism. 
Broken trust: pinky promises no longer exist in our heads
now full of treason and conspiracy.

The real trouble is that I can barely wake myself up anymore
the days are too long and nights too short.
I forget to sleep and I forget to feel
I forget to breathe and the real trouble is my own mind.